Thursday, June 13, 2013

10 Reasons Why My Cats Are Assholes...


Why does it seem like everyone else has a nice cat but me?  My cats are assholes...and here's why.

1. They don't cuddle with me - I try to force it by stuffing them in my shirt or sweater.  Which usually looks like this...





2. They wake me up at 4 in the morning- Not with cute little 'meows' either. It's more like HUUURRR-AAOOWWW! Bojangles, the fat cat, has even taught herself to "huraoow" through the crack under the door.  She likes the way it echos.





3. They attack my feet when I'm sleeping - Like, they chew on my toes with their shark teeth.





4. They only like expensive cat food - My last cat would eat anything (Note: do not leave Queso out over night), but not these two.  They only want to eat a $40.00 bag of food. Trust me, I've tried to feed them cheaper food, but my carpet can't handle the retaliation.

  * On a side note, Science Diet Weight Management formula doesn't work.  My cat is still huge.




5. They give 'hit and run' a whole new meaning- As in their shit hasn't hit the litter yet, and they're already running out of the litter box... leaving a trail of poop. Yay!! 




6.  They only like to pee in MY shoes- So far I've lost a pair of moccasins, UGGs, and cowboy boots.  Max has lost none of his shoes. Maybe they were trying to tell me something...




7. They only like to hang out when I'm busy- "Oh are you trying to write an essay or something? This is probably a good time to lay on the keyboard!" 





8. They don't care if you're sick- Here's a true story.  I was laying on the couch, because I felt absolutely awful.  As I was lying there face up and in misery, my cats decided to chase eachother around the apartment.  They were acing crazy and "burnin' carpet" as I like to say, but I didn't mind because they weren't bothering me. Before I knew it, Bojangles (the fat cat) ran up my body, ran across my face, and used my head as leverage to jump off the couch. Lucky for her, I was too sick to do anything







9. Butters (grey cat) is a serial butt sniffer - No, not my butt, the other cat's butt.  Not only that, he makes this face after he's gotten a good whiff.  (Maybe South Park was on to something with the Cheesin' episode.)

Seriously though, this is the exact face he makes...




10. They don't care how much money I spend on them - My cats find Costco boxes much more homey than any cat bed I've bought them.  This is probably true for every cat, but it drives me nuts.  I've wasted too much money on "luxury" cat beds... 





So there you have it.  Even though I love my little fur babies, they can be real a-holes sometimes! 


Happy Friday from Bojangles and Butters! 

(Bojangles on the left and Butters on the right) 



Lindsey 

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